RELa (seemysunshine) wrote in lettersnotsent,

this happened long ago, but.

I know you don't want to hear from me right now, but my life is kind of on
hold until I figure out whether you are ok, and whether you and i are ok/are
going to be ok. i realize that my neuroses aren't your problem, and yet, I'm
still emailing, so maybe I don't actually believe that, or maybe i'm hoping
to hear from you while I still have time to write this english essay,
because it's just not going to get done otherwise. i don't know.

i guess i just need to know whether your anger right now is directed at the
problem, or at me (altho i recognize that I am *part* of the problem here).
considering how you can't bring yourself to speak to me right now, i'm
assuming it's the latter. so, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for not responding in the
right way in the moment. i wish you knew how much i care about you and I
wish I didn't have to keep proving my loyalty to you. i don't think you
understand that i would do anything for you. i wish i didn't have to tell
you, that you just were aware, that my actions reflected it.

if i told you why i didn't say anything to her at the moment, would you
listen? would you believe me? would you believe that it wasn't because i
secretly thought you had done it, but because i honestly didn't know how to
respond? that i was frozen, suddenly in the exact situation i'm used to
being in - except this time the victim wasn't a victim? you and C
are good at thinking on your feet, but i'm really, really not. i'm not good
at thinking quickly like that. you know this. it's why you always win our
arguments. it's why i have to write you a letter, instead of telling it to
your face while in your room, where i was also speechless even tho i had all
these things to say. you get that, right? you get that i would have said
something to her, if i had been able to think of a way to do so without
going against everything i've ever learned about how to talk to victims?

fuck. the point here, is that i can't handle you being mad at me over this.
i can't handle you being mad at me. i know it doesn't matter what i say at
this point. i didn't react in the way you think a loyal friend should have
reacted, which basically puts me in the position of being a shitty friend
and there's nothing i can say to make you believe differently. which is just
great. so glad. looking forward to starting from step one with you, again. i
guess i should be grateful if you will even let me do that.
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