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It will always be you [05 Nov 2015|12:24pm]


My dearest ****

I know we're young, and I know we're restless, but you ought to know. I love you. I do so with every part of me and I know I always will.
We may not be the best match, there are problems - sure - but I know, in the deepest parts of my heart and soul that you are the one I want to be with forever. I am a better person when I'm with you, and my love for you leaves me helpless.

When you move I will miss you. More than you can ever hope to realise, but I have faith you will return, then maybe we can be together.

You'll have my heart forever, ****. I know I can promise you that.

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You Abandoned Me [27 Aug 2014|12:20am]
We were friends for 23 years. I sacrificed myself to defend you even when you were wrong. I named my son after you, and you did the same. We shared every significant moment in life together, and you were the only person besides my wife that I could talk to about anything.

Now I'm dying of a heart disease. We took different spiritual paths and either you couldn't deal with it, or your wife convinced you that I was a bad person. It doesn't matter. I need you now more than ever and you haven't even tried to contact me in over two years. For all you know, I could be dead. Do you even care? How can we have shared so much, have been closer than brothers, and you don't even want to know if I'm dead or alive? Were you like this all along and I just didn't see it? Did I make more of the relationship than what it was? Even so, common human decency should prompt you to reach out to me and make sure I'm still alive.

But I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of feeling like a chump. I wish I could say it's easy to let the whole thing go, but it's not. I have to, if I'm going to move on and stop waiting for some speck of concern or friendship on your part. So I'm done. Have a nice life, and I wish you well. But I feel sorry for you if it's so easy to walk away. I feel sorry for your wife and kids. But mostly, you're the one who's going to regret cutting me off. And I don't feel bad about that at all, because eventually, you need to feel the same pain you've caused me.

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Long time, no love [30 May 2014|11:02pm]
Hi you,
Did you know...
I used to stare at the back of your head when I sat behind you. I'd look at your arms and shoulders, too. I loved your flannel shirts the best. And when I had to look at something on your computer screen I loved the way you stood behind me. Tall and Close. And when you came into the office I could hear you around the corner. I would be happy. Just the sound of you made me happy. And the way you came around to my cube with your smile, your problems, your dark eyes. We were very close to being close. Maybe me more than you. But I get it. I just miss you. Never meant to be is not easy. Never is a such long time. I'll love you fornever.

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[06 Dec 2013|09:08pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]


I realize that this whole situation is terribly awkward, and I’ll be the first to say that speaking my mind is not my strong suit, especially when what I have to say is difficult. I’m generally the type of person that would rather stay quiet when I have something hard to say, instead of risking saying the wrong thing. In fact, breaking the silence and actually talking to you last week took a lot of nerve on my part. I thought perhaps I’d try writing to you instead of attempting to talk to you in person, which might be an easier way for me to get my feelings across. I don’t know about you, but I am awfully confused. Before I get started, I’d like you to know that I’m not angry with you. Frustrated? Maybe. Hurt? Probably. But I’m not angry.

In the beginning it was all so promising. We had mutual friends, interests, aspirations and most of all chemistry. Things seemed to be going just fine, until we hit our first snag - you weren’t ready for anything serious. To be honest, this wasn’t completely insurmountable in my head. You see I had myself convinced that you just needed to have “the first year experience”, but when that got old and you decided you were ready to have a real relationship, we would be able to make things work.

That was my first mistake. You see, you can’t just go around planning how other people are going to react to a situation in the unforeseeable future. That’s absolutely ridiculous. And yet it’s exactly what I proceeded to do. For months I lived my life, hoping that we would eventually work things out when you were ready. At the time, I was willing to be patient. The last thing I wanted was to have to convince you that you wanted to be in a relationship with me.

I know you know the story as well as I do, but humour me for a bit, okay? Every month or so one or both of us would get drunk, high, or both and decide that it would be a good idea to go and engage in an evening of fun. Then come morning, you’d remember that you didn’t actually like me like that, come apologize and we’d ignore each other for a few weeks. Eventually we’d resume our awkward non-friendship and pretend that nothing had happened. Repeat. You see though, we never actually got back to being friends. At least not the way we were before. I think ever since that first morning when you kicked Emily out of my room, I’ve known that I can never be “just friends” with you. No matter how hard I try to tell myself otherwise.

Then came summer, and with the help of time and space, I managed to get over my frustration at our on-again-off-again hook ups. Yet, even after all that, I still believed that someday, somehow, we’d eventually figure things out.

September arrived and we started classes again, but now we were in a permanent state of ignoring each other. I was okay with that, or so I thought. Time and space, right? Then came October, and with it came a feeling that maybe we could be friends again. Only for real this time. Actual friends. October was a wonderful month of naivety for me. It had occurred to me that maybe I had been wrong all along. Maybe we were never meant to be more than friends. Maybe all we needed was some time to get the awkwardness out of the way. So I entered into a tentative friendship with you. We did homework together, talked of innocent things and never mentioned last year or anything awkward. I was pretty sure that I was ready to leave the past in the past and start fresh. I repeated a daily mantra to myself: “We are just friends. He doesn’t like me like that, and I’m okay with that. We are just friends.” Fake it until you make it. And while it worked for a time, I was really just desperately trying to convince myself that my feelings didn’t exist, and even if they did, they were completely one sided. You will not believe how much easier it is to try and get over someone when you believe that they are completely over you.

Just when I thought that I was finally going to be successful at becoming your friend, you changed the whole game. You showed me exactly how deluded and wrong I was. It turns out that I had been telling myself a lie for over a month, because you did like me like that. I still liked you, and you liked me back. When you asked me out, it was the most wonderful and simultaneously terrible thing I’d heard in a long time. I’d been completely wrong, and I was happy about it. When you cancelled, it brought on a whole new slew of thoughts. That’s probably when the frustration started. I’m not really sure which is worse: knowing that if we get together things might end badly, or knowing that I will always regret it if we never try at all.

These days I’m literally going out of my mind. I sit in class and try to focus and all I see is you. You’re everywhere; in my head, on the board, in my notes and physically 3 seats away. It sounds cliché; you are so close, but so far away at the same time. Sometimes just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can’t sleep. I can’t study. I can’t do anything without thinking about you. The truth is, I think that you are the first person that I’ve ever liked. Liked more than a passing crush. Someone I could actually see myself with.

I’m not really sure how we can resolve this situation at this point. If something was meant to happen it would’ve by now, right? I’ve simply been idealizing a relationship that hasn’t even happened yet – for all I know I really not missing much. At the same time, the other half of me keeps saying that I can’t actually imagine it feeling worse than all of this not knowing.

Please don’t feel any pressure to respond. I’m only writing this to clear the air. Mostly, I would just hate to wake up in 2 years and realize that totally blew it by never telling you what you meant to me.



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[16 Oct 2012|02:05am]

I promise that one of these days it WILL BE OVER. I have tried and tried to hold on. I have tried to make this work for our children. I have decided a while ago that me and my children deserve a lot better. I just need to find the courage to walk out of your life. You're mean to me and I don't need it. You will get what's coming to you. You think I'm a lying cheating whore... Maybe you're the one that's been cheating on me. I just wanted to say fuck you and I pretty much cannot stand you anymore.
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[11 Feb 2011|01:08am]

Dear Male Best Friend,

Thanks for always being there to tell me I'm beautiful and amazing whenever I'm feeling down.

I'm going to miss you when you move to New York to take that amazing job opportunity.

Talking on the phone just isn't the same as you and your beautiful wife picking me up and driving out to the middle of nowhere to just talk about life the universe and everything.

I hope your life ends up being everything you hoped for and everything you deserve because next saturday is probably the last time we'll ever see eachother.

Maybe now I can finally find a boyfriend who isn't scared off by our closeness.

I'll miss you, Gingersnap.

Love, your sister in all but blood (aka Buddyfish)
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A little note... [17 Dec 2010|11:31pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]

I teach at a middle school. One day I was walking to my car and I found this note from a mom to her kid. It made me smile.

November- so many fun things coming up!
(So Mondays are NOT one of them, but we can make it through!)
xoxoxoxo Love Mom

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[07 Nov 2010|03:00pm]

Dear Roommates,

You are all a bunch of fake bitches. Also, none of you seem to have a very high IQ, so how did you even get into college? Keep me out of your drama. Yes, I do in fact stay out as much as possible to avoid you all. I can't wait to switch roommates.

The girl who's only here to sleep and shower

Thanks for not paying my tuition. Now I'm being forced to drop out. Sweet.
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Dear Williams [11 Oct 2010|03:47pm]

[ mood | calm ]

Dear Williams school district,

I may be inexperienced, but I'm not worthless or useless. I am a great teacher. And you totally lost out by not hiring me.

Much respect,


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[10 Jul 2010|11:21pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

note to self:

don't kill self



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[14 Jun 2010|11:15pm]


I'm so sick of this. You keep telling me you want us to have a better relationship, but how can that happen when you won't hear me out, and cut me off every time I try to speak. I'm 18; I'm bound to make mistakes. All you do is tell me how you've given up, how every word that comes out of my mouth is bullshit, how I'm such a fuck up. And you wonder why I'm so depressed and suicidal. Like I don't have enough to deal with already.
Yeah, I'll admit, I fucked up in school, but I'm trying EVERYTHING to make it work. But you don't wanna hear it. You don't wanna hear about how I worked my ass off. All you hear is that my graduation is in jeopardy, and you won't even sit for a meeting to try to back me up. Even my principal is arguing my grade, because my teacher is being completely unjust. But you don't care. Just like you don't care about anything else I do. You have no problem paying off your son's debts, and sitting with him through his legal issues, when we all kn ow he was the one at fault. You screamed at me when I told you to let him fend for himself. He is 23, after all. But nothing I do seems to be good enough. Is that why you haven't filled out my financial aid for college yet? Once I leave, I'm not coming back. You want to be able to say I keep relying on you. But I haven't been. I learned at a very young age that couldn't. Is this how you wanted things?
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[25 May 2010|10:23pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Dear Heartbreaker,
                 You were the first i had loved and lost. I cant say i was in love with you because im not so sure i was, and if i truly did fall in love with you, i think i would know. But i do know i love you, would've kept loving you.
but more importantly

i could have beeen the best thing that ever happened to you.
The biggest mistake you ever made was not sticking around.
Im gonna move on, but where will you be ?

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this happened long ago, but. [21 May 2010|10:25am]

I know you don't want to hear from me right now, but my life is kind of on
hold until I figure out whether you are ok, and whether you and i are ok/are
going to be ok. i realize that my neuroses aren't your problem, and yet, I'm
still emailing, so maybe I don't actually believe that, or maybe i'm hoping
to hear from you while I still have time to write this english essay,
because it's just not going to get done otherwise. i don't know.

i guess i just need to know whether your anger right now is directed at the
problem, or at me (altho i recognize that I am *part* of the problem here).
considering how you can't bring yourself to speak to me right now, i'm
assuming it's the latter. so, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for not responding in the
right way in the moment. i wish you knew how much i care about you and I
wish I didn't have to keep proving my loyalty to you. i don't think you
understand that i would do anything for you. i wish i didn't have to tell
you, that you just were aware, that my actions reflected it.

if i told you why i didn't say anything to her at the moment, would you
listen? would you believe me? would you believe that it wasn't because i
secretly thought you had done it, but because i honestly didn't know how to
respond? that i was frozen, suddenly in the exact situation i'm used to
being in - except this time the victim wasn't a victim? you and C
are good at thinking on your feet, but i'm really, really not. i'm not good
at thinking quickly like that. you know this. it's why you always win our
arguments. it's why i have to write you a letter, instead of telling it to
your face while in your room, where i was also speechless even tho i had all
these things to say. you get that, right? you get that i would have said
something to her, if i had been able to think of a way to do so without
going against everything i've ever learned about how to talk to victims?

fuck. the point here, is that i can't handle you being mad at me over this.
i can't handle you being mad at me. i know it doesn't matter what i say at
this point. i didn't react in the way you think a loyal friend should have
reacted, which basically puts me in the position of being a shitty friend
and there's nothing i can say to make you believe differently. which is just
great. so glad. looking forward to starting from step one with you, again. i
guess i should be grateful if you will even let me do that.
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[10 Apr 2010|02:22pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Dear friends,

I've sat with you, cried with you, stayed up all night with you when you were feeling like shit. Now here I am, going through one of the hardest times of my life and it's almost impossible for me to find any support at all. Where I can find it, I might add, isn't anywhere I'd have expected to.

What I did, I did out of love because I do genuinely care about you and wanted to do the best I could for the people closest to me. I wasn't expecting anything in return other than a thank you.

Still, is it so wrong that now I'm weak and need a shoulder to lean on, that I'd hope you'd show me some of the kindnesses I showed you? I gave you everything I could... and now I'm getting at best tolerated and at worst blatantly ignored. I deserve better than this, guys. And the fact I'm at the lowest point I've been in a long time and I can still say I deserve better, really speaks to how shitty this whole thing is.

I'm tired of being sad and lonely. You know I'm feeling down... would it kill you to at least pretend to care, after all I've done for you?

I'm beginning to think that it's times like this when you learn who your truest friends are... and if what I"m seeing holds true, I've been a bit of a fool.

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[17 Mar 2010|11:36pm]

I posted this here last October:


Don’t for a second think that you have broken my heart. Don’t be selfish enough to believe that you’ve gotten to me; that I’m going to miss you when I move back home. Because what little feelings I had left for you quickly drained out when the words left your mouth. Words I already knew to be true… but I’m the king of pretending the signs aren't there. I let you walk all over me. I let you dictate how I would spend my life. You are the reason I failed and dropped out. You never broke my heart, just my spirit. I saw it coming and let it happen anyway. I’m such a huge fucking loser that I passively sat back and watched these things happening to me. Maybe I could’ve stopped them. Maybe I truly was being an asshole, like you said, and I could’ve treated you better and kept you around and given you everything you wanted, but I consider myself lucky to have escaped that life.

You said our relationship was doomed a long time ago; thanks for never telling me you felt this way until it was over. I told my family you were the one. Guess I jumped the gun on that one.

I hope the two of you share some good laughs over how much of a failure your ex-boyfriend is.

I hope he consumes all of your time, energy, and money and begs you to blow off homework assignments to spend time with him.

I hope he goes out of town on your birthday and runs into a girl he used to know….

And then I hope he cheats on you so you know just how it feels.




It’s obvious to me now just how much I was hurting when I wrote that last letter. It took time for those wounds to heal, but now I realize that your breaking up with me was quite possibly the best thing that could ever happen to me. Because it led me to Sarah.

You’re not half the woman she is, despite the fact that you’ve got four years on her.

I'm happily in love and you're alone. I'd be a liar if I said that didn't make me smile, just a little.

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[17 Mar 2010|10:56am]

Dear co-worker:

It's one thing to give your opinion on something and another thing entirely to disrespect other people's work. In a real agency, you wouldn't have a say in this because it simply isn't your client, it isn't your project, it isn't your responsibility. It's mine. We were assigned roles for a reason:  that every task was executed by the one person responsible for it. You weren't assigned a role, which means you have no say in anything.

I'm in charge of writing the scripts for the spots we're doing and we cast the lead weeks ago. It's not your goddamn place to chime in with "I'll do the part for less pay!" when the scripts are already being written to suit a specific person. I can see you trying to improvise and go off the scripts, trying to take over the art direction, complaining about everything and making dumb jokes to divert from the fact that the folks at the studio won't put up with your bullshit.

I will do whatever it takes to keep Catalina as our lead. If you insist that you'll do the same job for less pay ("I'm sick of selling candy to make money!") I'll just go ahead and volunteer to do the part for free. They're my goddamn scripts after all, and you're not altering a comma.

No love,

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[04 Feb 2010|12:24am]

[ mood | hopeful ]

dear girlfriend,

It's midnight and instead of sleeping like I want to I'm sitting here thinking of you. You're so incredible and you don't even realize it. You're intelligent and kind and beautiful, even if you don't see yourself that way. You've got such a good heart to deal with so many people who treat you like shit and I swear, I want to kick every last one of them who does something hurtful to you. 

I know there's people who will look down on us.  We met online, we're both girls, you're older, we're so far apart right now, some of them might even be my own family members but honestly, honey I don't care. I love you. All of you, the good and the bad. You can paint these beautiful pictures with words that let me feel so loved and I'm just lost with nothing smart to say, no way to let you know I feel just as strongly other than to say "I love you too." I'm a writer, I should be able to come up with wonderful things to say to you but you leave me speechless. I think that's a good thing though.

I can't wait to finally see you in person. My mom's gonna figure something out to get you here, I know it and in September(hopefully) I'll get to finally feel you, kiss you, hold your hand. I'm most excited about that one tiny thing, to hold your hand. I already know we're made for each other but if our hands just fit, I'll be even more certain that you're the one for me. I've seen something before that says "The spaces between my fingers were made to be filled by yours." and I've always thought that's the way it's supposed to be. It's silly I'm sure, but holding hands just seems like something special. 

I know you're asleep, you just told me goodnight less than an hour ago. You're asleep all the way across the country while I sit here typing this but a part of me is hoping I'm on your mind, even in your dreams because I know you're on mine. And I hope, I really hope that I'll dream of you again, because those are the best dreams I have. The dreams were you're here with me, or I'm there with you, they're the ones I try desperately to remember in the morning because I want them to be real.

I love you with all that I am, every beat of my heart has become for you.

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